As of Jan 1st, this blog will be going private. Sorry to those of you who actually read it. I just want to write for my own reflection.

As we were discussing eschatology in class today and the differing views I had a thought return to me. There are people who think the world is getting worse and who can argue with that. There are those who think the world is getting better and there are some good points for that. But I don't think the world has gotten better or worse. You could take specifics and say those have gotten better or worse but on the whole things are as they always were. From the moment of the fall we have been sinful and we will continue to be sinful. Every period of time has had its successes and its failures.

I thought about the Black Plague and what impact that had on people's eschatological views. I found one article about it and have yet to finish reading it. People in Europe must have thought that it was the end...Christ would soon have to come after this calamity, right?

I don't know where I'm going with this but I just don't see the world getting better or worse. Just seems business as usual to me. Christ will come when he comes. It is our duty to continue to grow the kingdom no matter when that time may be.

I hate that people assume I don't know things because I don't study.

Maybe I'm just a genius...

        Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
 tune my heart to sing thy grace;
 streams of mercy, never ceasing,
 call for songs of loudest praise.
 Teach me some melodious sonnet,
 sung by flaming tongues above.
 Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
 mount of thy redeeming love.

       Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
 hither by thy help I'm come;
 and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
 safely to arrive at home.
 Jesus sought me when a stranger,
 wandering from the fold of God;
 he, to rescue me from danger,
 interposed his precious blood.

       O to grace how great a debtor
 daily I'm constrained to be!
 Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
 bind my wandering heart to thee.
 Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
 prone to leave the God I love;
 here's my heart, O take and seal it,
 seal it for thy courts above.

I never thought that this day would come in my lifetime. I never had enough hope in my fellow man to think that this country would vote an african-american into the white house. I can't imagine how it must feel for those who have fought and stuggled for this day to come. I think about Martin Luther King, Jr. and his dream. This is only the first step and I am proud to say that I was alive when the first african-american was elected as president of the united states. The significance of this day will not even be realized till later but it feels great right now.

Tupac wrote "and though it seems heaven sent we ain't ready to see a black president"

Well, now we've seen it!!!!

I once again have hope.

I just had one of those "I can't believe I'm here" moments. I was reading Anselm in the Atrium and looked around and just thought of how I got to this place. I still don't know what's ahead of me but that's okay...one step at a time. There is some cool stuff going on at my teaching church now. The search team made its recommendation for the new pastor yesterday. There will be a pot-luck at church this saturday to meet him and his family. He will also preach next sunday. I get the feeling that the congregation/consistory will go along with the recommendation. I'm pretty excited for the church and what a new pastor will mean. Pastor Sharon has done a great job as interim but now it is time for Haven Shores to move ahead. I'm excited to see what God will do at Haven Shores and what my role will be. Will I just be an intern for a year and move on? Or will I make a commitment to stay longer? I'm sure those things will become clearer next semester.

I am now 28 years old...that's just nasty. I remember Nick and I not wanting to turn 20 because we wouldn't be teenagers anymore. This was also my first birthday away from Chicago. I am thankful that I have a good group of friends here who definitely made me feel special on my bday. And I still got more presents coming...woohoo!!!!

I am sad however that I was not able to go to gameworks. It had become an annual tradition. I might have to go when I go back for thxgiving break.

The party we had last night was cool. I dressed up as one of my prof's, Dr. Kaiser. Other costumes included Tim Brown who is the president of the seminary, a ceiling fan, Kate from Lost, Professor X/Lex Luther, James Bond, Chris Maybury(another sem student...won best costume), a jamaican, pochohantas(sp?), and many other wonderful constumes. It was a good time.

For the past few weeks I've been on a mini shopping spree thanks to student loans...woooo!!! Hopefully the spree has ended although I keep thinking of things I want. What an American I am.

There is not too much else going on. School is school and church is church. No woman yet but I'm workin on it.

hanging on by a thread

One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

I really love that song. It seems so true at this point in my life. I want to know where this road is going to take me but just need to be patient.

I thought I would be writing more on this thing but that hasn't happened. Sorry.

- "Always the friend never the boyfriend". I thought about this last night as I was having a text discussion with someone. I've had my two gf's and they were great. But there have been quite a few others that I have had feelings for but I was or am the just the friend. It sucks, there's no other way to describe it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy and cherish the friendships I have. I love my "girl" friends with all my heart and I will do anything for them. It would just be nice to not always get stuck in what is commonly known as the "friend zone". How does one even get caught in there? Is there some length of time to make your move? And if you don't do it then you're just stuck there? I don't know. It can't be that I'm too nice of a guy, can it? I know I'm not the most attractive guy either but I'm not fugly, am I? I don't write all this to get pity comments and to make people feel sorry for me. I'm fine being single and I enjoy it as much as I can. But naturally I would like some lovin...if I can use that term. I just wonder how I continually end up as just the friend. And I hope none of those girl friends feel that they can't lean on me or talk to me anymore. I love you all. I am just venting a little bit here.

- I gotta stop comparing myself to my other classmates in terms of grades. It doesn't really matter. If you get a better grade I should be happy for you. We all learn in different ways.

- I finally came across some OT stuff that answered some questions. I was reading about Israel finally getting into the land. The part about the story that always tripped me up was that God seemingly endorsed the destruction of other peoples just so Israel could have a land of their own. In reading my textbook I learned there is another way to look at the occupation of the lands. If I understand the theory correctly Israel slowly moved into the land and eventually there was sort of a revolution. The revolution consisted of the Israelites who were the peasants overthrowing the Canaanites who were the ruling class. The distinction between Israelites and Canaanites was not so much of race/origin but of socio-economic status. The Canaanites were ruling in an unGodly matter and the revolution was necessary to establish a society which honored God. It wasn't as if the Israelites deserved the land either, it was still a gift from God. One that could be and did get taken away. I'm hoping my prof lectures more on this issue tomorrow. This might be the spark I was looking for. I hope I did justice to the theory, I didn't feel like taking my book out again. Bethany can correct me if she so pleases.

its been a while since the last post and quite a bit has happened I guess. Even though I feel more at home in Holland these days, there's always a feeling of homesickness after I come back from Chicago. But I'm sure it will continue to get easier as time goes on.

I went back home last week for a long 4 day weekend. I took the train from Holland on Thursday and got into Chicago at around 11:30am. The train was an hour late due to track work in none other than Indiana...just another reason to dislike that state. The minute I walked off the train I had a big smile on my face. Tyrus picked me up and I had lunch with him, kai and notso. We went over to Al's beef and I got a nice greasy italian beef with hot peppers...mmmmmmm...so delicious.
Thursday night I went out for a rehearsal dinner without the rehearsal at Wildfire in Oak Brook. I had the ribs&ribs, it was more delicious than I remember it being. What a meal!!!

Friday started off rough but ended awesomely. I had yet another adventure of trying to cash a check. Why do those things always happen to me. I got everything settled however and then I was ready to see Goody get hitched. The wedding was beautiful, my speech went well and the reception was a blast. Good music, good food, the photo booth was sweet and my date was pretty hot!!!

Saturday Jen and I went up to Rockford to meet up with the Yamagiwa/Saiki clan for apple picking. Yet another fun and relaxing time.

Got back into Holland on sunday night and pretty much went straight to bed. Now its back to school and church work.

wishing i had some red sparkly shoes to click

What am I afraid of? Well, for me there are a lot of tangible things like bodies of water, airplanes, heights, animals, etc... Then there are the intangibles like the fear of failure. I think most of fear failure to some extent. I sit here and wonder if its truly failure I'm afraid of? Or is it the fear of stepping out of my warm bath of comfort and walking out into the cold? God has blessed me with gifts and the Holy Spirit is within me, why am I still afraid? Why do I get in my own way? Why am I my own worst enemy? Why don't I have confidence? Why do I have so much passion for a baseball team?

Not that there is anything wrong with loving the Cubs, I don't think God minds us enjoying a little baseball. But why all the nerves and anxiousness surrounding something I have no impact on? I have to learn this lesson every year. Last year wasn't so bad, I don't think the expectations were as high. I guess its just like anything else in life that you invest time, energy and emotion into. When things don't go the way you would like, you start to question.

I read this morning about being on the mountain top and also in the valley. Its easy to praise God on top of the mountain but what about in the valley? However, the valley is where God works in us the most. I keep hearing things along that line while I've been here. The whole idea of being uncomfortable and truly relying on God. How does that really look? Am I humbling myself before God or am I still trying to do this all by myself? So many questions...

so, yesterday i was contemplating how God works through our struggles. I was just thinking about how we all have differing levels of struggles in life. I look at other people and am amazed at how they made it through certain events in their life. I look at my life as being relatively easy up until and including the present. I wonder what role God has in the situations we go through in life. I know that God doesn't tempt us but he does test us. I wonder what situations in life may be tests from God and which ones are just due to the world we live in. This can get sticky really quick. Why is my life seemingly easier than the person right next to me? Is it due to decisions I've made? Could they deal with my struggles and could I deal with theirs? I do know that God does work through each one of us no matter what our struggles may be. It's comforting to know that God is right there with us when we laugh, cry, shout out in anger, sing out in joy, etc...

I went to a little meeting yesterday for this place called SCUPE. It's located on Chicago and its focus is to educate seminary students in urban ministry. I am now contemplating taking a summer class there and possibly finding a summer internship through them. These plans could all change but its something I am seriously considering for the summer of 2009.

Go Cubs!!!

thought #1 - need to change my environment just a bit...

thought #2 - i thought that grad school would make it harder to be faithful to the cubs. I am finding that its not all that difficult to do be faithful to both. Maybe I'm just smarter than everyone else or maybe I just don't care. I'm finding myself not really worried about classes as much as I was the previous weeks. I'm going to do as best as I can without killing myself over it. I don't think school should cause anyone stress...I mean its school for crying out loud. I'm here to learn not to stress myself out so I can get an A instead of a B. C's still get degrees, even in grad school. If only I could find someone who truly thought like me. Seems like everyone here is overly stressed about everything. And for the first few weeks I must admit that I was as well but then my true self returned. I've never been one to stress and I don't plan to start now. School is not going to win, not now...not ever. As a song once said "umma do me"...haha.

thought #3 - The playoffs begin this wednesday. If anything can stress me out it will be the Cubs. Wednesday will be a nervous yet exciting day

So I no longer want to give up but greek still freaking sucks. All my other classes are fine and I enjoy them all, even greek in all its suckiness. I kind of want to write about things I'm learning in class but I'm just too lazy to do it. One thing that did stick out to me is that God is there with us when we suffer. God doesn't just sit back and watch from afar, the creator and sustainer is there with us even in our pain. I can't imagine what that feels like, God doesn't want us to suffer. It's not as if he gets some sick joy out of our sorrow. How often we forget how much He loves us and how much he cares.

As I read and study more every box that I put God in gets destroyed...

I started watching Heroes Season 1 on saturday and I am now an addict. I enjoy the show, its etertaing but it did make me think the other night. I started thinking about how the show demonstrates the idea of human potential. It made me think of christian potential. Has anyone reached the full potential of being christian and what does that even mean? What is christian potential? Is it possible with the help of the Holy Spirit to live a sinless life? There are some who actually believe that.

The Cubs clinched the division on saturday and I am happy as can be. I get to enjoy stress free baseball for a week. But once next wednesday gets here my devotion to school will be supremely tested. I will walk, talk and breathe Cubs...

i want to give up

I find myself in an interesting place. Every time I leave my Greek class I get this overwhelming feeling that I can't do all of this. The thought of maybe I'm not meant for seminary creeps into my head. I sit down and try to do my greek hw and I get that feeling again so I stop. I go back and attempt the hw again but this time I actually do fairly well and feel good about this whole seminary thing.

The interesting place I'm in however is that I know that seminary is almost this testing ground for me. I could finish this semester/year and decide that seminary is not where I should be. I could go through with the whole thing and love it. The thing that must happen though is that I must give this journey its proper try. I cannot decide now that I don't like this place and just leave. I have to struggle through and figure this out. How do I keep those thoughts in balance? How do I really let God guide me?

Right now home is still Chicago. It's the place I am most comfortable. But seminary had to be done elsewhere. The elsewhere is where I will find out more about myself. It's tough and I don't like feeling this way. I try to remind myself that I have to do this, I have to struggle through. I don't want to but I think I see the benefit in it all.

its amazing how bowling can lift me up!!!

258,226,258 for a 742 series...booyaa!!!!

feeling very crabby today...

Just an issue I was thinking about earlier today. I am quite upset with the way money and wealth is looked upon in Christianity today. I do not mean this to be a blanket statement regarding this issue. I have encountered many Christians that have this focus upon making lots of money. The goal in choosing a career/vocation is what will make them the most money. The issue of joy in their career only seems to apply to how much money they will make. This to me is an infiltration of the consumerism that is ever present in our American society. I've heard too many people I know talk about how much money they'll make when they get out of school or how they'll be ballin. Granted nothing is wrong with making money. But to me the emphasis put on making money is what bothers me. I also see ridicule of those who want to pursue things that actually will provide for a fulfilling life. Even I have heard comments about my desires to do non-profit work. People have said "you know that non-profit workers don't make much money?" Well duuuuhhh...that's why its called non-profit. As if I was going into ministry or non-profit work for all the money I'll make. Pastor C once spoke on how beliefs from the secular world can sneek into the church. I believe this to be one of them. People don't even realize their emphasis on money. Or maybe they do and don't see it as a problem. Maybe I'm completely wrong. I don't I am but who knows. I just wish people would seek out their career based on something other than how much money they will make.

Just a little something that rocked me the this week:

Christian doctrine does not teach immortality of the soul but instead the resurrection of the body.

As my prof put it...You do not have a soul, you are a soul.

I shall elaborate later...

I was elected as student council rep for my class!!! wooohooo!!!

Bowling was great last night. Bowled 235,208,212 for a 655 series!!!!

Greek will now start to own me!!!

As of right now I am ahead of the schedule as it pertains to class reading. I am really making an attempt to stay on top of things. I hope this will last. Or I hope I can get a lot done while I'm in this mood so when the drop in mood occurs I won't have to worry. I have to admit that I'm still having ups and downs. But I'm realizing it has more to do with my mood than anything else. In the mornings when I have to get up for class I don't want to go. But as I'm sitting in class or doing my readings I realize I actually enjoy learning about all this stuff. The past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion. I feel as if things are leveling off and I hope it stays that way for a little while. Last week I had a mini breakdown and had to go talk to someone at the seminary. All the doubts were still rushing through my head. This week though I don't feel as paralyzed by the notion that I don't quite know what God wants from me yet. I feel as though right now He just wants me to go through this process. Go to my classes, read, learn, listen. Get to know people, chat, chill and listen. Do work at the church, learn, grow and listen. I'm still searching for that end, for that ultimate purpose for which I've been called to seminary for. Is it to be a head pastor, youth pastor, counselor, college ministry guy, etc... But I'm trying to live in the now and listen to what God wants to teach me today. Trust the process that is going on and trust that He is in control. I want to know the who's, the where's, the when's and the why's. Those things will come in time and I'm starting to trust in that more and more. One thing I realized today as I was reading is just how crazy God's love and grace is. I was reading about the flood and the authors of this book said that the God during the flood is not acting as a vengeful God. He is instead more like a grieving parent. I really took that comment to heart. It is just truly amazing and incomprehensible how much He does love us. Amen.

On another note I am running to be a representative on student council. We'll see if I get elected. I also found a bowling league and I will start that tomorrow night. I was really excited when I got the phone call about that today. Keep me in your prayers. Some of you will see me the weekend of Oct 10th...can't wait.

alpha, beta, gamma, delta, epsilon, zeta, eta, theta, iota, kappa, lambda, mu, nu, xi, omicron, pi, rho, sigma, tau, upsilon, phi, chi, psi and omega. Yes my friends, I am learning greek. It's actually pretty interesting. As long as I put in the work then I will enjoy it.

I'm happy that its the weekend. Hopefully I will do a lot of nothing.

Sorry for the gap in my entries. Things were pretty busy and I'm sure they will continue to get busier.

- Last week was orientation. I thought it was a fairly good introduction to the seminary. There was a lot of info thrown around. There were also fellowship activities planned which was good. We had two bbq's on wednesday and thursday. We even got to do some line dancing on thursday night.

- Friday I came back to Chicago because Nick and Danica got married on the 31st. The weekend was just full of fun stuff. I got to hang out with quite a few people and the wedding itself was a blast. The hardest part of the weekend however was holding the crown over Danicas head at the wedding. In the Russian Orthodox tradition a crown is held over the heads of the bride and groom during one part of the ceremony. There are pics on facebook some stuff that happened over the weekend. With all the fun and fellowship over the weekend, it was extremely hard to come back here to Holland.

- I got back Monday evening and was immediately homesick once again. The feelings I had felt the first friday I got here came roaring back. I just wanted to be home again. I thought that once classes started that I would be okay but in actuality the classes have made me ponder a new question. That question is "Do I really want to do all of this?" and probably more importantly "Is this what God wants from me?" Does my call to ministry require me to go through this seminary education? I have intense fears and anxiety about what lies ahead in life. I have many doubts about my own abilities. I still feel very lost in this world I'm in right now. There are wonderful people here and I've made new friends. I'm sure our relationships will grow over time. I think the questions in my head will continue to be "is this where God wants me?" "Can I do this?" and "Do I desire to do this?"

I will update soon...promise!!!

So, the days have gotten progressively better. I forgot to mention yesterday that Sachiko came to visit me on saturday afternoon. If you read this Chiko, thanks for coming out. That was the highlight of saturday. After she left I started to get that lonely feeling again but not as bad as friday. I ended up watching 30 Rock for a few hours and that helped to calm me down.

Sunday started off great. I attended my first service at Haven Shores and it was wonderful. I could definitely feel God's presence in that place. It has a warm, family atmosphere much like CCP. After service they had a Fiesta because they had this summer long children's program that was titled "Fiesta". They had a slide show during the service and you could really tell that God is truly working at this church. The fiesta after service was filled with food and fun. I enjoyed getting to know some of the people there and I could definitely tell they all have a heart for God. I came back to the apt and watched the Cubs game which made me happy. Afterwards I started having the feeling again so I decided to go out for a walk, which helped a lot. I went to get dinner at Arby's...woohoo...and instead of eating in my room I ate in the lounge. It was then that a couple other residents came in and we started talking and watching the olympics. It felt good to kind of finally break that barrier. I think I'll be okay here...although I might get a Sox fan as a 4th roommate so we'll see about that. God knows what He is doing...

faith

Well, I'm here in Holland now. I've anxiously awaited this time for the past 8 months or so. I wondered what it would all be like. I got here about 2pm on Friday, unloaded my stuff, had lunch with my parents and then they went back to Chicago. I entered my room and started to unpack. I took a break to watch the Cubs game and then returned to my room. Realizing I needed some things for the room and more importantly some food I ventured off to Target. It felt somewhat odd being in that store buying food and items for my apartment. I returned to the place and ate my dinner and then proceeding to unpack and organize some more. I went to hang up the collage Mr. Yamagiwa made for me and at that moment it all hit me. I was away from home, from the place I've been for 27+ years and I started crying. I think all the emotion just had to be let loose. I felt like crap and in that moment I was tempted to repack my things and head back to Chicago. Even now I think there is still a little temptation to do that. I'm definitely homesick but I can't let that stop me from doing this. I know this is what God wants me to do and I have to remain faithful. I won't lie, I am a bit lonely, hopefully that will pass. God has something in store for me here and I can't let fear take a hold of me and make me run away. Its time to find out who I really am and figure out what God's plan for me is. I hope this feeling starts to dissipate a bit because it sucks feeling this way. But I guess without struggle there is no growth. I didn't think it would be this tough emotionally but it is what it is. Please pray for me. Pray that God would give me some peace and understanding in this situation. Pray that I would be bold and remain faithful.