I've faced my demons
Wrestling these angels to the ground
And all that I could find
Was a thin line between
All the saints and villains
It was crossed in my own minds
Someday I'm gonna find it
Wish I knew what I was looking for
Inside the disarray (inside the disarray)
I woke up this morning
Don’t know where I’m going
But it’s alright
I wouldn't have it any other way
Struggling between the facts and fiction
I’m alone
But I'm alive
Everyone around me is trying to make a statement, then there's me
I’m just trying to survive
Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
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Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Just wanted to give some excerpts from the book I'm reading right now, American Gospel:
"From appointing chaplains, opening legislative sessions with prayer, and declaring days of fasting and thanksgiving, the Founders' public piety has fueled a conservative view that the "wall" between church and state was erected only recently, in the more secular twentieth century. There is a distinction, however, between professing conviction(which traditions like legislative prayer do) and using an established church to coerce not only belief but conformity with political and cultural mores. In America a kind of "wall" between church and state-albeit a low one- has always been there, or at least has been since the last state disestablished its church in 1833. Given that a large majority do believe in a transcendent power, and given that the evocations of a transcendent power grew organically from the habits and hearts of the early Americans, it would be as unsound to ban the use of the word "God" from all arenas of public life as it would be to require every American to attend church services every Sunday. There are infinite shades of gray and nuance about when religious expression in public places is appropriate, and we will be forever engaged in sorting out those things. God did not give us easy answers; we should not expect the world he created to provide them."
Speaking of the differing sects of religion in America at the time, J. Hector St. John de Crevecoeur wrote, "Thus all sects are mixed, as well as all nations; thus religious indifference is imperceptibly disseminated from one end of the continent to the other, which is at present one of the strongest characteristics of the Americans."
I have enjoyed this book so far and am intrigued to see where it goes. It's given me insight into the role religion played in the founding of our nation. I think we can learn from the example set forth by the founding fathers. Despite the all conflict we have here in our country as it relates to religion, race, nationality, gender or all the other differences, our country still works. There is much work to be done to make things better, we are nowhere near where we could be as a nation. I feel that we still hold to our own. We stubbornly hold to things that can be let go. We need to find a way to be proud of who we are and where we're from without it disrupting the common good. I hope that as time goes on, those walls that separate us from each other will be broken down. I'm proud to be an American and for what this country was founded on. I believe we are blessed to live in a country where the transition of power still happens peacefully. A country where people can go to church, mosque, temple or wherever else they choose to worship without forceful coercion. Yes, we have problems, but what country doesn't? James Madison wrote "If men were angels, no government would be necessary." And, "If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary."
"From appointing chaplains, opening legislative sessions with prayer, and declaring days of fasting and thanksgiving, the Founders' public piety has fueled a conservative view that the "wall" between church and state was erected only recently, in the more secular twentieth century. There is a distinction, however, between professing conviction(which traditions like legislative prayer do) and using an established church to coerce not only belief but conformity with political and cultural mores. In America a kind of "wall" between church and state-albeit a low one- has always been there, or at least has been since the last state disestablished its church in 1833. Given that a large majority do believe in a transcendent power, and given that the evocations of a transcendent power grew organically from the habits and hearts of the early Americans, it would be as unsound to ban the use of the word "God" from all arenas of public life as it would be to require every American to attend church services every Sunday. There are infinite shades of gray and nuance about when religious expression in public places is appropriate, and we will be forever engaged in sorting out those things. God did not give us easy answers; we should not expect the world he created to provide them."
Speaking of the differing sects of religion in America at the time, J. Hector St. John de Crevecoeur wrote, "Thus all sects are mixed, as well as all nations; thus religious indifference is imperceptibly disseminated from one end of the continent to the other, which is at present one of the strongest characteristics of the Americans."
I have enjoyed this book so far and am intrigued to see where it goes. It's given me insight into the role religion played in the founding of our nation. I think we can learn from the example set forth by the founding fathers. Despite the all conflict we have here in our country as it relates to religion, race, nationality, gender or all the other differences, our country still works. There is much work to be done to make things better, we are nowhere near where we could be as a nation. I feel that we still hold to our own. We stubbornly hold to things that can be let go. We need to find a way to be proud of who we are and where we're from without it disrupting the common good. I hope that as time goes on, those walls that separate us from each other will be broken down. I'm proud to be an American and for what this country was founded on. I believe we are blessed to live in a country where the transition of power still happens peacefully. A country where people can go to church, mosque, temple or wherever else they choose to worship without forceful coercion. Yes, we have problems, but what country doesn't? James Madison wrote "If men were angels, no government would be necessary." And, "If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary."
Thursday, January 15, 2009
1 Corinthians 6:11-13
And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. "Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.
Last week at our retreat there seemed to be a lot of talk about being free in Christ. The disciplines we discussed were supposed to free us from the things that kept us in bondage. Whether it was our sin, tv, food or anything else. I thought a lot last week about what it was that had a hold over me. It's part of the reason why I was not opposed to getting rid of our tv. Now I sit here and wonder what else has a hold on me. What is in my life that distracts me from living a life that glorifies God? And the next question is, how far do I want to go with this? I could easily fall into the trap of legalism or asceticism. I could also develop a high and mighty attitude about myself. The biggest question I have is am I doing the things I do for the glory of God or to please people? One of the topics covered in my psych eval is that I'm a people pleaser. That is 100% true. I think most who know me would agree with that.
I sit here and things that may have a hold on me come into my head. I say to myself, "maybe I should let that go". Then another voice says "well, what's so and so going to think about that?" People are going to think you're weird or people are going to say that you think you're high and mighty. I ask again, am I doing this for God? For myself? For the admiration from others? Or for the fear of persecution from others? What is the driving force behind my actions?
What is God asking me to change? What clutter exists in my life that I need to get rid of?
That was thought #1.
I listened to a song called "Coming Back Home" by Bebe Winans, Joe and Brian McKnight. I've loved this song for a long time. The lines that stuck out to me tonight were "I thought I had it all figured out, I needed time away to work it out" and "Just to be in your arms is like heaven to me, your love is all that I need". The meaning of the song for me has usually been that after walking away from God, I have come back realizing that God is all I need. Tonight, something different happened. The song made me think of Chicago. The chorus says "I'm coming back home, home, to where love is waiting for me. Been gone much too long, this is where I want to be." For now I know that God wants me here at Western and I'm going to be here through at least May. Beyond that I don't really know what is going to happen. I've met some cool people here, my church is great and God is definitely working in my life. But...
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Fiiiinalllllyyyy...Jase has come back...to...
It has been quite some time since my last real update. I don't even know where to begin.
Let's go back to finals week. Finals week of the first semester had to be one of the roughest weeks of school I ever had. Part of it is my fault because I put off a bunch of papers until then. I think I wrote two papers on Monday. My Tuesday was full of class and then bowling. I wrote two more papers on Wednesday. On Wednesday night I went out with some of the upperclassmen to the bar for some much needed refreshment. Once I got back I started to study for my two finals on Thursday. Thursday's first exam was in OT which I did horribly on but still managed a good grade in the class. The final exam for Theology was one I did well one including rocking the heck out of the communion prayer. Let me tell you, I was dead set against memorizing it. I did it anyway and now I'm glad I did. With those two exams down, the only one left was the grand-daddy of them all...Greek. I was so nervous about this one that I woke up at 5:30am on Friday because it was all I could think and dream about. I went into it just wanting to pass, I ended up with a B- on the thing. I was so freaking happy. Friday continued on with a blizzard which didn't help for travel the next day.
On Saturday the 20th, I had planned a service project with my youth group. We helped another church out with a food program they are a part of. It's called Angel Food Ministries and you can get some good food for cheap. About halfway through the day I noticed that the sky was blue and thought that it might be a good day to get out of Dodge. There was another storm headed towards Holland so I figured this might be my one good shot. I left for Chicago that afternoon and arrived back in time for the Ugly Christmas Sweater Party.
My time in Chicago provided me with some much needed rest. I got to see friends and family without having to worry about school. I must admit that there were times when I felt like an outsider. It doesn't upset me, just part of the deal. I tried to spread my time out so hopefully people got to see enough of me. One of my favorite nights was a dinner date I had with a wonderful friend. Upon seeing me she got this big smile on her face and her eyes lit up and she gave me a big hug. Now, that's how you greet someone you haven't seen in a while. It was also nice to be able to celebrate my grandma's 85th birthday. She's still got most of her marbles left and still can move around fairly well. Praise God for that.
I left Chicago on the January 2nd and had a good friend along for the ride back to Holland. She paid me back for the ride with dinner at Broadway Cafe, a great place here in Holland. For the Chicago readers, this place is like Sauganash or Jack's. I actually think its better, so if you come out to visit then we can go there. On the 3rd I got to hang out with CCP's college group. The group had come out here for a retreat. We explored downtown Holland, not hard to do and then I got to hang out with them the rest of the day. T and Notso got the pleasure of meeting my roomie and also got balloon animals. I also go to play Bang! for the first time in a while. As Sheriff I won two games, both ending with a one on one showdown with Tori. I need to buy this game. Later in the night I gave a little devotional and joined the group in sharing and singing. I also got to use part of the communion prayer which I was excited about.
On January 5th, most of the junior class at Western Sem left for a retreat in Donaldson, IN. Now I don't like Indiana all that much but this place was alright in my book. We stayed at a nunnery/conference center run by the Poor Handmaids of Jesus Christ. We were pretty much out in the boonies and it was a good week of reflection and contemplation. We were split into groups and each group presented a different spiritual discipline. The disciplines were taken from Richard Foster's book, The Celebration of Discipline. I recommend looking at it if you get the chance. My group lead the discussion on simplicity which focused on removing the clutter in your life. I will return to my application of tha discipline later. The week was full of presentations, eating and some good ol fellowship. I had fun getting to know my classmates better and see some of them in a new light. It's pretty hard to be fake for a whole week so I think a lot of us saw the "real" side of our classmates. If my classmates hadn't already figured me out, they learned that I know way too many songs. I learned how to play Euchre and Ticket to Ride, both excellent games. The quote of the week comes from one of the ladies in the nursing home that we served at. She was sharing about her life and talking a bit about reform in the church. Near the end of her "sermon" she said this, "The Republicans are the Pharisees". I almost lost it, that was one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time. Anyways the week allowed me to think a lot about my calling and what God has in store for me.
We returned to Holland on January 9th and not much happened this past weekend. I watched a lot of football. One thing that struck me again was that my church up here is a group of faithful and loving people. I hadn't been to sunday service since Dec 14th so I was wondering what it would feel like. I felt instantly loved as I walked through the doors. The service was great and it was a full service. Elders and deacons were installed, we did a sock puppet show and we had communion. At the end of the service one of elders called up the pastor, the worship leader and me up to the front. He gave us all a card on behalf of the congregation. It was a christmas gift and I was extremely shocked and very grateful for it. After service I got to sit down and talk to one of the coolest guys at the church. I got to here a little more about his life and it was just a good time of fellowship. It's funny because coming out of the retreat I was dead set on pursuing college ministry but after church on sunday I want to stay at Haven Shores. I think God is going to do some good things there.
So, here I am now...its January 13th actually and I'm sitting in my room at 12:56am. Tonight something happened that I never thought would happen. Before we left for the retreat my roomie brought up the idea of getting rid of our TV in the living room. My first instinct was "blasphemy", how dare you say that. But with my group focusing on simplicity, I actually was open to the idea. The second thing that blocked it was the xbox issue. If we don't have a tv in our apt then where does my xbox go? The only other place is the lounge and that means I would have to share my xbox. I thought about it during the week and I felt more and more that getting rid of the TV was a good idea. So, tonight when my roomie went back home, he took his TV with him. I then got all the xbox stuff together and moved it to the lounge. Anyone who knows me should realize how big of a step this is. I don't say all of this to seem high and mighty. I have nothing against television and I will continue to watch it. But the wasting of time in front of it is something that I hope will change. This may be a small thing but God is changing me in big and small ways. So, tonight we went out and got a plant for the living room and also got a new lamp. I think it looks nice, it will just take some time to adjust.
All in all, things are good here in Holland at at seminary. I feel more and more that this is where God wants me to be. I continue to develop relationships with people and realize that it takes time. Peace out...
It has been quite some time since my last real update. I don't even know where to begin.
Let's go back to finals week. Finals week of the first semester had to be one of the roughest weeks of school I ever had. Part of it is my fault because I put off a bunch of papers until then. I think I wrote two papers on Monday. My Tuesday was full of class and then bowling. I wrote two more papers on Wednesday. On Wednesday night I went out with some of the upperclassmen to the bar for some much needed refreshment. Once I got back I started to study for my two finals on Thursday. Thursday's first exam was in OT which I did horribly on but still managed a good grade in the class. The final exam for Theology was one I did well one including rocking the heck out of the communion prayer. Let me tell you, I was dead set against memorizing it. I did it anyway and now I'm glad I did. With those two exams down, the only one left was the grand-daddy of them all...Greek. I was so nervous about this one that I woke up at 5:30am on Friday because it was all I could think and dream about. I went into it just wanting to pass, I ended up with a B- on the thing. I was so freaking happy. Friday continued on with a blizzard which didn't help for travel the next day.
On Saturday the 20th, I had planned a service project with my youth group. We helped another church out with a food program they are a part of. It's called Angel Food Ministries and you can get some good food for cheap. About halfway through the day I noticed that the sky was blue and thought that it might be a good day to get out of Dodge. There was another storm headed towards Holland so I figured this might be my one good shot. I left for Chicago that afternoon and arrived back in time for the Ugly Christmas Sweater Party.
My time in Chicago provided me with some much needed rest. I got to see friends and family without having to worry about school. I must admit that there were times when I felt like an outsider. It doesn't upset me, just part of the deal. I tried to spread my time out so hopefully people got to see enough of me. One of my favorite nights was a dinner date I had with a wonderful friend. Upon seeing me she got this big smile on her face and her eyes lit up and she gave me a big hug. Now, that's how you greet someone you haven't seen in a while. It was also nice to be able to celebrate my grandma's 85th birthday. She's still got most of her marbles left and still can move around fairly well. Praise God for that.
I left Chicago on the January 2nd and had a good friend along for the ride back to Holland. She paid me back for the ride with dinner at Broadway Cafe, a great place here in Holland. For the Chicago readers, this place is like Sauganash or Jack's. I actually think its better, so if you come out to visit then we can go there. On the 3rd I got to hang out with CCP's college group. The group had come out here for a retreat. We explored downtown Holland, not hard to do and then I got to hang out with them the rest of the day. T and Notso got the pleasure of meeting my roomie and also got balloon animals. I also go to play Bang! for the first time in a while. As Sheriff I won two games, both ending with a one on one showdown with Tori. I need to buy this game. Later in the night I gave a little devotional and joined the group in sharing and singing. I also got to use part of the communion prayer which I was excited about.
On January 5th, most of the junior class at Western Sem left for a retreat in Donaldson, IN. Now I don't like Indiana all that much but this place was alright in my book. We stayed at a nunnery/conference center run by the Poor Handmaids of Jesus Christ. We were pretty much out in the boonies and it was a good week of reflection and contemplation. We were split into groups and each group presented a different spiritual discipline. The disciplines were taken from Richard Foster's book, The Celebration of Discipline. I recommend looking at it if you get the chance. My group lead the discussion on simplicity which focused on removing the clutter in your life. I will return to my application of tha discipline later. The week was full of presentations, eating and some good ol fellowship. I had fun getting to know my classmates better and see some of them in a new light. It's pretty hard to be fake for a whole week so I think a lot of us saw the "real" side of our classmates. If my classmates hadn't already figured me out, they learned that I know way too many songs. I learned how to play Euchre and Ticket to Ride, both excellent games. The quote of the week comes from one of the ladies in the nursing home that we served at. She was sharing about her life and talking a bit about reform in the church. Near the end of her "sermon" she said this, "The Republicans are the Pharisees". I almost lost it, that was one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time. Anyways the week allowed me to think a lot about my calling and what God has in store for me.
We returned to Holland on January 9th and not much happened this past weekend. I watched a lot of football. One thing that struck me again was that my church up here is a group of faithful and loving people. I hadn't been to sunday service since Dec 14th so I was wondering what it would feel like. I felt instantly loved as I walked through the doors. The service was great and it was a full service. Elders and deacons were installed, we did a sock puppet show and we had communion. At the end of the service one of elders called up the pastor, the worship leader and me up to the front. He gave us all a card on behalf of the congregation. It was a christmas gift and I was extremely shocked and very grateful for it. After service I got to sit down and talk to one of the coolest guys at the church. I got to here a little more about his life and it was just a good time of fellowship. It's funny because coming out of the retreat I was dead set on pursuing college ministry but after church on sunday I want to stay at Haven Shores. I think God is going to do some good things there.
So, here I am now...its January 13th actually and I'm sitting in my room at 12:56am. Tonight something happened that I never thought would happen. Before we left for the retreat my roomie brought up the idea of getting rid of our TV in the living room. My first instinct was "blasphemy", how dare you say that. But with my group focusing on simplicity, I actually was open to the idea. The second thing that blocked it was the xbox issue. If we don't have a tv in our apt then where does my xbox go? The only other place is the lounge and that means I would have to share my xbox. I thought about it during the week and I felt more and more that getting rid of the TV was a good idea. So, tonight when my roomie went back home, he took his TV with him. I then got all the xbox stuff together and moved it to the lounge. Anyone who knows me should realize how big of a step this is. I don't say all of this to seem high and mighty. I have nothing against television and I will continue to watch it. But the wasting of time in front of it is something that I hope will change. This may be a small thing but God is changing me in big and small ways. So, tonight we went out and got a plant for the living room and also got a new lamp. I think it looks nice, it will just take some time to adjust.
All in all, things are good here in Holland at at seminary. I feel more and more that this is where God wants me to be. I continue to develop relationships with people and realize that it takes time. Peace out...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
On 2nd thought, let the world read...
God is up to something...not sure if I like it yet...hehe.
Little by little bit everyday, little by little bit every way, my Jesus, He's changing me
God is trying to change me and I want the change but I'm still putting up the initial fight.
There are quite a few things on my mind right now and my hope is that the upcoming retreat will help me sort through some of those. I'm also looking forward to getting to know my classmates even better.
I will update either friday or saturday...
God is up to something...not sure if I like it yet...hehe.
Little by little bit everyday, little by little bit every way, my Jesus, He's changing me
God is trying to change me and I want the change but I'm still putting up the initial fight.
There are quite a few things on my mind right now and my hope is that the upcoming retreat will help me sort through some of those. I'm also looking forward to getting to know my classmates even better.
I will update either friday or saturday...
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