While I'm cooking dinner I figured I would write a little something.

I seem to be feeling better these days and I can see some growth in my life. Overall, I have a better attitude about life and where this whole seminary adventure is leading me. Although I still get moments in class where I just get grumpy and crabby for some reason. I start to have this feeling that no one here cares about me and I really have no friends. I remember having those same feelings back in Chicago. I know these thoughts are irrational and at least now I can acknowledge that. I have also tried to be more open with my feelings. I am beginning to see how one thing I do affects other areas of my life. I seem to have a peace about life that is quite the change from how I was a few weeks ago.

Spiritually I feel as though I could do more in terms of practices but I definitely feel close to God. I am going to give up Facebook for Lent. I have noticed that I spend an absurd amount of time on the site. I don't nearly get as much work/reading done as I want to. I got a Lent devotional and so hopefully that will benefit me as well. I just feel like I can truly say that I am depending on God. I am trying to live a life pleasing to Him. I still fall and get caught up in the trappings of life but I am trying. Relying on God's grace in every minute of my life, not an easy thing to do, but a lifelong goal.

Chapel last Friday was great. Every Friday at the seminary we celebrate communion. The leader of the service offered the bread and the cup in a different way. We actually went up to the table and sat with him as if we were having a normal meal. In watching other people I nearly teared up. I realized that every time we take communion we share a meal with Jesus. Too often communion gets formalized and I forget how special it is.

Praise You - Out of Eden

Lord I really don't know how to write a song,
I'm not always eloquent
sometimes I get it wrong,
But the thing you're doing in me I can't describe.
What a fool I'd be if I chose to hide,
this transformation,new motivation.
Thought that we were close I've known you all this time,
but I was just living my life my way just getting by,
Thought that if i do a good deed or two,
that was enough to please you,
I kept the parts I wanted to,
and missed out on the real you.

Chorus:
Now with every step & every breath,
I'll give it all, hold nothing back,
with all I am,
this is my choice to live to worship you,
so with all my heart, my soul, my mind
I love you, leave it all behind,
to live my life in awe of you,
it's the least that I can do.

I've held on so long to all my hopes & dreams,
while your asking me to place them all at your feet,
Let my praise be more than a song I'll sing for you,
Let me change all my ways in response to you,
I've lived for myself, Lord I need your help,
not I who lives but you

Chorus:
Now with every step & every breath,
I'll give it all, hold nothing back,
with all I am,
this is my choice to live to worship you,
so with all my heart, my soul, my mind
I love you, leave it all behind,
to live my life in awe of you,
it's the least that I can do.

For you, for you are worthy of all honor
And you, deserve the sacrifice I'll give.
You've touched my heart,
and now I see what it is you want from me,
So I'll lose the things that hold me back,
so you can set me free.

Chorus:
Now with every step & every breath,
I'll give it all, hold nothing back,
with all I am,
this is my choice to live to worship you,
so with all my heart, my soul, my mind
I love you, leave it all behind,
to live my life in awe of you,
it's the least that I can do.

Today we began Church History by listening to "Coming to America" by Neil Diamond. I think every class needs to begin with a little Neil Diamond!!!

Pet peeve #2

While traveling on the Amtrak, a person shall not have a conversation on speakerphone. It's bad enough to have a regular conversation on your cell phone while everyone listens. You only add to the frustration of the whole train car by putting your daughter on speakerphone and having us hear "Like, I got like, a like a D or like."

I have reverted to the mindset of a junior high boy. I'm not in the mood to chase anymore. I'm at that age where it should just click. I thought a lot over the weekend about what I really want. I think I cam up with things I knew already but was blind to them. I want a relationship but in a very superficial way. I don't think I really want to work at a relationship. I don't want that "lovin" feeling. That feeling makes your stupid and makes you do things you don't want to.

I know that the emptiness I feel comes from a lack of relationship with God. Yes, that relationship requires work which is why I haven't been close to God all that often in my life. I've wondered a lot in the past few years about being single. More of it has to do with the lack of desire to be "tied down". But at the same time there is something very appealing about it. Now, when I normally bring this topic up, people will bring up this verse:

⁸Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. ⁹But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

My question is what is meant by 1) controlling themselves and 2) to burn with passion?

Is the burning with passion more than the "natural desire" that all of us have? Is it some perversion of that desire?

I'm hoping to give this more thought and prayer than I ever have before.

Pet peeve:

People who think that any public place is a daycare for their children. For instance, letting your kids run around Oberweis while you yap on the phone. Then leave the mess your kids made on the table for someone else to clean up. This also goes for parents who leave their kids in the toy aisles or target as if it were their bedroom.

By the way, Ellen Page is a cutie and I would totally marry Tina Fey.

this song has meant a lot to me the past couple weeks...

Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me x2)

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done(x2)

And when the earth fades
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me
Oh.. I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where your blood was shed for me
What can separate me now?(x2)

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done(x4)

Change my heart oh God, make it ever true

We sang this song at church on sunday as a prayer of confession. I hadn't sung it in a while, it was a nice selection. I realized I had so much hate in my heart. Hate for people and just different circumstances in my life. I realized it was taking its toll on me. I prayed that God would help me to release that hate.