thought #1 - need to change my environment just a bit...

thought #2 - i thought that grad school would make it harder to be faithful to the cubs. I am finding that its not all that difficult to do be faithful to both. Maybe I'm just smarter than everyone else or maybe I just don't care. I'm finding myself not really worried about classes as much as I was the previous weeks. I'm going to do as best as I can without killing myself over it. I don't think school should cause anyone stress...I mean its school for crying out loud. I'm here to learn not to stress myself out so I can get an A instead of a B. C's still get degrees, even in grad school. If only I could find someone who truly thought like me. Seems like everyone here is overly stressed about everything. And for the first few weeks I must admit that I was as well but then my true self returned. I've never been one to stress and I don't plan to start now. School is not going to win, not now...not ever. As a song once said "umma do me"...haha.

thought #3 - The playoffs begin this wednesday. If anything can stress me out it will be the Cubs. Wednesday will be a nervous yet exciting day

So I no longer want to give up but greek still freaking sucks. All my other classes are fine and I enjoy them all, even greek in all its suckiness. I kind of want to write about things I'm learning in class but I'm just too lazy to do it. One thing that did stick out to me is that God is there with us when we suffer. God doesn't just sit back and watch from afar, the creator and sustainer is there with us even in our pain. I can't imagine what that feels like, God doesn't want us to suffer. It's not as if he gets some sick joy out of our sorrow. How often we forget how much He loves us and how much he cares.

As I read and study more every box that I put God in gets destroyed...

I started watching Heroes Season 1 on saturday and I am now an addict. I enjoy the show, its etertaing but it did make me think the other night. I started thinking about how the show demonstrates the idea of human potential. It made me think of christian potential. Has anyone reached the full potential of being christian and what does that even mean? What is christian potential? Is it possible with the help of the Holy Spirit to live a sinless life? There are some who actually believe that.

The Cubs clinched the division on saturday and I am happy as can be. I get to enjoy stress free baseball for a week. But once next wednesday gets here my devotion to school will be supremely tested. I will walk, talk and breathe Cubs...

i want to give up

I find myself in an interesting place. Every time I leave my Greek class I get this overwhelming feeling that I can't do all of this. The thought of maybe I'm not meant for seminary creeps into my head. I sit down and try to do my greek hw and I get that feeling again so I stop. I go back and attempt the hw again but this time I actually do fairly well and feel good about this whole seminary thing.

The interesting place I'm in however is that I know that seminary is almost this testing ground for me. I could finish this semester/year and decide that seminary is not where I should be. I could go through with the whole thing and love it. The thing that must happen though is that I must give this journey its proper try. I cannot decide now that I don't like this place and just leave. I have to struggle through and figure this out. How do I keep those thoughts in balance? How do I really let God guide me?

Right now home is still Chicago. It's the place I am most comfortable. But seminary had to be done elsewhere. The elsewhere is where I will find out more about myself. It's tough and I don't like feeling this way. I try to remind myself that I have to do this, I have to struggle through. I don't want to but I think I see the benefit in it all.

its amazing how bowling can lift me up!!!

258,226,258 for a 742 series...booyaa!!!!

feeling very crabby today...

Just an issue I was thinking about earlier today. I am quite upset with the way money and wealth is looked upon in Christianity today. I do not mean this to be a blanket statement regarding this issue. I have encountered many Christians that have this focus upon making lots of money. The goal in choosing a career/vocation is what will make them the most money. The issue of joy in their career only seems to apply to how much money they will make. This to me is an infiltration of the consumerism that is ever present in our American society. I've heard too many people I know talk about how much money they'll make when they get out of school or how they'll be ballin. Granted nothing is wrong with making money. But to me the emphasis put on making money is what bothers me. I also see ridicule of those who want to pursue things that actually will provide for a fulfilling life. Even I have heard comments about my desires to do non-profit work. People have said "you know that non-profit workers don't make much money?" Well duuuuhhh...that's why its called non-profit. As if I was going into ministry or non-profit work for all the money I'll make. Pastor C once spoke on how beliefs from the secular world can sneek into the church. I believe this to be one of them. People don't even realize their emphasis on money. Or maybe they do and don't see it as a problem. Maybe I'm completely wrong. I don't I am but who knows. I just wish people would seek out their career based on something other than how much money they will make.

Just a little something that rocked me the this week:

Christian doctrine does not teach immortality of the soul but instead the resurrection of the body.

As my prof put it...You do not have a soul, you are a soul.

I shall elaborate later...

I was elected as student council rep for my class!!! wooohooo!!!

Bowling was great last night. Bowled 235,208,212 for a 655 series!!!!

Greek will now start to own me!!!

As of right now I am ahead of the schedule as it pertains to class reading. I am really making an attempt to stay on top of things. I hope this will last. Or I hope I can get a lot done while I'm in this mood so when the drop in mood occurs I won't have to worry. I have to admit that I'm still having ups and downs. But I'm realizing it has more to do with my mood than anything else. In the mornings when I have to get up for class I don't want to go. But as I'm sitting in class or doing my readings I realize I actually enjoy learning about all this stuff. The past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion. I feel as if things are leveling off and I hope it stays that way for a little while. Last week I had a mini breakdown and had to go talk to someone at the seminary. All the doubts were still rushing through my head. This week though I don't feel as paralyzed by the notion that I don't quite know what God wants from me yet. I feel as though right now He just wants me to go through this process. Go to my classes, read, learn, listen. Get to know people, chat, chill and listen. Do work at the church, learn, grow and listen. I'm still searching for that end, for that ultimate purpose for which I've been called to seminary for. Is it to be a head pastor, youth pastor, counselor, college ministry guy, etc... But I'm trying to live in the now and listen to what God wants to teach me today. Trust the process that is going on and trust that He is in control. I want to know the who's, the where's, the when's and the why's. Those things will come in time and I'm starting to trust in that more and more. One thing I realized today as I was reading is just how crazy God's love and grace is. I was reading about the flood and the authors of this book said that the God during the flood is not acting as a vengeful God. He is instead more like a grieving parent. I really took that comment to heart. It is just truly amazing and incomprehensible how much He does love us. Amen.

On another note I am running to be a representative on student council. We'll see if I get elected. I also found a bowling league and I will start that tomorrow night. I was really excited when I got the phone call about that today. Keep me in your prayers. Some of you will see me the weekend of Oct 10th...can't wait.

alpha, beta, gamma, delta, epsilon, zeta, eta, theta, iota, kappa, lambda, mu, nu, xi, omicron, pi, rho, sigma, tau, upsilon, phi, chi, psi and omega. Yes my friends, I am learning greek. It's actually pretty interesting. As long as I put in the work then I will enjoy it.

I'm happy that its the weekend. Hopefully I will do a lot of nothing.

Sorry for the gap in my entries. Things were pretty busy and I'm sure they will continue to get busier.

- Last week was orientation. I thought it was a fairly good introduction to the seminary. There was a lot of info thrown around. There were also fellowship activities planned which was good. We had two bbq's on wednesday and thursday. We even got to do some line dancing on thursday night.

- Friday I came back to Chicago because Nick and Danica got married on the 31st. The weekend was just full of fun stuff. I got to hang out with quite a few people and the wedding itself was a blast. The hardest part of the weekend however was holding the crown over Danicas head at the wedding. In the Russian Orthodox tradition a crown is held over the heads of the bride and groom during one part of the ceremony. There are pics on facebook some stuff that happened over the weekend. With all the fun and fellowship over the weekend, it was extremely hard to come back here to Holland.

- I got back Monday evening and was immediately homesick once again. The feelings I had felt the first friday I got here came roaring back. I just wanted to be home again. I thought that once classes started that I would be okay but in actuality the classes have made me ponder a new question. That question is "Do I really want to do all of this?" and probably more importantly "Is this what God wants from me?" Does my call to ministry require me to go through this seminary education? I have intense fears and anxiety about what lies ahead in life. I have many doubts about my own abilities. I still feel very lost in this world I'm in right now. There are wonderful people here and I've made new friends. I'm sure our relationships will grow over time. I think the questions in my head will continue to be "is this where God wants me?" "Can I do this?" and "Do I desire to do this?"

I will update soon...promise!!!