hanging on by a thread

One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

I really love that song. It seems so true at this point in my life. I want to know where this road is going to take me but just need to be patient.

I thought I would be writing more on this thing but that hasn't happened. Sorry.

- "Always the friend never the boyfriend". I thought about this last night as I was having a text discussion with someone. I've had my two gf's and they were great. But there have been quite a few others that I have had feelings for but I was or am the just the friend. It sucks, there's no other way to describe it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy and cherish the friendships I have. I love my "girl" friends with all my heart and I will do anything for them. It would just be nice to not always get stuck in what is commonly known as the "friend zone". How does one even get caught in there? Is there some length of time to make your move? And if you don't do it then you're just stuck there? I don't know. It can't be that I'm too nice of a guy, can it? I know I'm not the most attractive guy either but I'm not fugly, am I? I don't write all this to get pity comments and to make people feel sorry for me. I'm fine being single and I enjoy it as much as I can. But naturally I would like some lovin...if I can use that term. I just wonder how I continually end up as just the friend. And I hope none of those girl friends feel that they can't lean on me or talk to me anymore. I love you all. I am just venting a little bit here.

- I gotta stop comparing myself to my other classmates in terms of grades. It doesn't really matter. If you get a better grade I should be happy for you. We all learn in different ways.

- I finally came across some OT stuff that answered some questions. I was reading about Israel finally getting into the land. The part about the story that always tripped me up was that God seemingly endorsed the destruction of other peoples just so Israel could have a land of their own. In reading my textbook I learned there is another way to look at the occupation of the lands. If I understand the theory correctly Israel slowly moved into the land and eventually there was sort of a revolution. The revolution consisted of the Israelites who were the peasants overthrowing the Canaanites who were the ruling class. The distinction between Israelites and Canaanites was not so much of race/origin but of socio-economic status. The Canaanites were ruling in an unGodly matter and the revolution was necessary to establish a society which honored God. It wasn't as if the Israelites deserved the land either, it was still a gift from God. One that could be and did get taken away. I'm hoping my prof lectures more on this issue tomorrow. This might be the spark I was looking for. I hope I did justice to the theory, I didn't feel like taking my book out again. Bethany can correct me if she so pleases.

its been a while since the last post and quite a bit has happened I guess. Even though I feel more at home in Holland these days, there's always a feeling of homesickness after I come back from Chicago. But I'm sure it will continue to get easier as time goes on.

I went back home last week for a long 4 day weekend. I took the train from Holland on Thursday and got into Chicago at around 11:30am. The train was an hour late due to track work in none other than Indiana...just another reason to dislike that state. The minute I walked off the train I had a big smile on my face. Tyrus picked me up and I had lunch with him, kai and notso. We went over to Al's beef and I got a nice greasy italian beef with hot peppers...mmmmmmm...so delicious.
Thursday night I went out for a rehearsal dinner without the rehearsal at Wildfire in Oak Brook. I had the ribs&ribs, it was more delicious than I remember it being. What a meal!!!

Friday started off rough but ended awesomely. I had yet another adventure of trying to cash a check. Why do those things always happen to me. I got everything settled however and then I was ready to see Goody get hitched. The wedding was beautiful, my speech went well and the reception was a blast. Good music, good food, the photo booth was sweet and my date was pretty hot!!!

Saturday Jen and I went up to Rockford to meet up with the Yamagiwa/Saiki clan for apple picking. Yet another fun and relaxing time.

Got back into Holland on sunday night and pretty much went straight to bed. Now its back to school and church work.

wishing i had some red sparkly shoes to click

What am I afraid of? Well, for me there are a lot of tangible things like bodies of water, airplanes, heights, animals, etc... Then there are the intangibles like the fear of failure. I think most of fear failure to some extent. I sit here and wonder if its truly failure I'm afraid of? Or is it the fear of stepping out of my warm bath of comfort and walking out into the cold? God has blessed me with gifts and the Holy Spirit is within me, why am I still afraid? Why do I get in my own way? Why am I my own worst enemy? Why don't I have confidence? Why do I have so much passion for a baseball team?

Not that there is anything wrong with loving the Cubs, I don't think God minds us enjoying a little baseball. But why all the nerves and anxiousness surrounding something I have no impact on? I have to learn this lesson every year. Last year wasn't so bad, I don't think the expectations were as high. I guess its just like anything else in life that you invest time, energy and emotion into. When things don't go the way you would like, you start to question.

I read this morning about being on the mountain top and also in the valley. Its easy to praise God on top of the mountain but what about in the valley? However, the valley is where God works in us the most. I keep hearing things along that line while I've been here. The whole idea of being uncomfortable and truly relying on God. How does that really look? Am I humbling myself before God or am I still trying to do this all by myself? So many questions...

so, yesterday i was contemplating how God works through our struggles. I was just thinking about how we all have differing levels of struggles in life. I look at other people and am amazed at how they made it through certain events in their life. I look at my life as being relatively easy up until and including the present. I wonder what role God has in the situations we go through in life. I know that God doesn't tempt us but he does test us. I wonder what situations in life may be tests from God and which ones are just due to the world we live in. This can get sticky really quick. Why is my life seemingly easier than the person right next to me? Is it due to decisions I've made? Could they deal with my struggles and could I deal with theirs? I do know that God does work through each one of us no matter what our struggles may be. It's comforting to know that God is right there with us when we laugh, cry, shout out in anger, sing out in joy, etc...

I went to a little meeting yesterday for this place called SCUPE. It's located on Chicago and its focus is to educate seminary students in urban ministry. I am now contemplating taking a summer class there and possibly finding a summer internship through them. These plans could all change but its something I am seriously considering for the summer of 2009.

Go Cubs!!!