Switchfoot once sang, "we were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves?" i wonder for me if I've lost myself or if I am just now finding myself. I sat down this morning and started to answer the questions on my ministerial profile. I have also looked at and inquired about open positions and churches within my denomination. It's getting real now. In six months I could be employed full time at church. i could be a solo pastor somewhere. Am I ready for all of this? The m.o. of most of my life has been running away from responsibility. Running away when things got hard. here I am, one semester away from graduating seminary. I've stuck it out, I didn't run when it got tough. But am I ready? I have grown in so many ways over the past two years and four months. I am just beginning to find the things that I am passionate about. I haven't done anything about it though. I wanna help the poor and the oppressed. Am I out there serving at a soup kitchen or a food pantry? No. I feel a call to lead people in the church. I can hardly get myself up to go to church on Sunday. I wanna eat better, live better, serve better, do everything better. Have I made any strides in the past couple months? No. I am indeed meant to live for so much more. I am finding myself but at the same time I am losing myself. I don't know what to do sometimes. I feel like I am constantly at war with my own mind. What part of me needs to die in order for me to truly live?

Oh Canada

Last Thursday morning at 7:30am I entered the land to the north of us. I wanted to save a couple hours on my trip to Detroit so I thought drive through would be good. I was wrong. The trip was running smoothly until I got about 5 miles from the border back into the States. At that point traffic came to a complete stop. It took me two hours to move two miles. It was frustrating but I did some people watching to help pass the time. I was intrigued at how other people dealt with the frustration of sitting in traffic. One guy got out every ten minutes to smoke, another guy would get out every time we stopped to do some serious stretching and one couple decided to make out a little bit. I finally got to the entrance lane after about 3.5 hours and the guy let me go through. As soon as I started moving another customs officer stood in front of the car and asked me to pull over towards another place where another officer was standing. I had been randomly selected for an xray of my car. They selected five more cars and we were all in a row. We exited our vehicles and then a van circled our vehicles. After about twenty minutes we were all allowed to leave. So, I left Theresa at 6:45am and didn't arrive to my destination until 7:30pm. What a day.

However, after that adventure, the weekend was a blast. The wedding ceremony was beautiful, the church was beautiful, the bride and bridesmaids were beautiful and the groom and groomsmen were pimpalicious of course. I met a lot of cool people, even though they were Red Wings fans. I danced pretty much the whole time music was playing at the reception. There were a few songs I boycotted because I hate them that much. One was the cupid shuffle, that song sucks beyond belief. At one point during the reception, the groom and I busted out our Blackhawks jerseys. We got a lot of boos and thumbs down. We had to do it though, this might be the only time we can gloat. I wish that night would have never ended. It was so great to just share that moment with old and new friends and family.

I have another wedding in Chicago in a week and a half and I will be taking the train for that one.

Mo Money Mo Problems

I bought the new Eminem album, Recovery, and I love it. It was totally the opposite of what I expected. Sick beats, sick flows and it has a lot of heart. Eminem is pretty vulnerable throughout the whole album. There are also some songs that would seem to not be Em's style but he pulls it off. He even samples "What is Love" by Haddaway in a song he does with Lil Wayne. I recommend it for anyone who loves Em or loves hip hop.

As I was listening to it, a thought returned to me that has been there for a while. Most Christians will claim that money isn't everything which is good because of course Jesus tells us we can't serve God and money. So, money is secondary to most of us, except if you believe in that prosperity gospel stuff. However, whenever a celebrity has personal problems, I've heard many Christians say "I don't feel bad for them, they have a lot of money". Or pro athletes can't have personal troubles because they get paid millions to play whatever sport they play. If money isn't the solution to everything, why do we think it will solve a celebrities problems? Doesn't matter how much money you make or how famous you are, you can still get hurt. Divorces still bring pain. Death still stings. Relationships are still just as hard. Sure, they may not have to worry about other things that the working class do but that doesn't mean they still don't deal with pain.

If you haven't seen this yet, go see it!!! It is fantastic. I'm going to say best trilogy ever...haha. I even teared up at the end. There were some cute kids saying cute things so that made it an even better experience. Before the movie, this one girl went to the bathroom with her mom and sister and told her dad, "now you be a good boy or else I'll tell your mom and she'll spank you." Too cute. Another girl behind me would comment whenever the characters were sad or happy. "Oh, he's sad mommy" or "All Happy!" or "Oooh Oooh Mommy, garbage truck!"

Sinfully Delicious

I had dinner tonight at the home of one of the couples from church. They live right down the street from church and I'm jealous of the Ford F150 parked in the driveway. I will get one of those one day. I started the evening by having a beer with Larry out on the deck. We chatted and enjoyed the beautiful weather while the pork roast rotisseried(?) in the grill. Our side dishes were mashed potatoes and green beans and some italian bread. We moved into the living room where we played some wii bowling. I bowled against Larry twice and we split the games, then Marie said she wanted a piece of me. So I bowled against her twice and we split those two games. While she made dessert I bowled Larry in the rubber match and won. We had strawberry shortcake for dessert and then Marie and I bowled our rubber match. I think she used the dessert to throw me off of my game because she demolished me in the final game. I'm looking forward to the rematch.

Is that an Alpaca?

Meet Elmer and Danny Boy!!!

First Sunday

I am getting comfortable living out here. I know where almost everything is, at least anything I would need. I even found my gumbo file seasoning today at an organic food store. I'm not as far out into the boonies as I thought I was. Although on Sunday I went out into the boonies where my host family's cottage is. Above are a couple pics.

I preached for the first time at Theresa Presbyterian this past Sunday. I felt nervous prior to the service starting but after that I was fine. The awkward thing was sitting up by the pulpit where everyone could see me. I got good comments about the sermon and everyone was pleased. I actually have an itch to preach right now. It was nice to prepare a sermon and not have classes or exams to worry about.

I have already learned that my church is pretty laid back about things which is good for me. In each bulletin they list joys and concerns from the previous week. One of the joys this Sunday was that the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup. I am definitely in the right place.

making up...

I think Fringe will end up giving me all I wanted from Lost and never got. Or at least I hope so...

Wooooooooo! Here the come the Hawks, the might Blackhawks!!!!! Stanley Cup Champs!!! I can't believe it. The winning goal was crazy!!! I am just supremely happy and I will spend lots of money on championship gear!!!

Construction

Just had to post that I got to use one of these bad boys today!!! It was lots of fun once I got used to the controls. Just one step closer to being a country boy!!!

Home Sweet Summer Home

I arrived in Theresa, NY yesterday after two days of driving. I left Chicago on Wednesday morning at 8am and arrived in Rochester, NY at around 8pm. It was a looooong day of driving but pretty smooth sailing most of the way. Stayed with a friend overnight and headed to Theresa on Thursday. I met the pastor of the church I will be interning at and we talked for a good hour. I then went to the house I will be staying in for the entire summer. I will be living with a family(mom, dad and youngest son). They are supremely nice people and are hospitable beyond belief. When I first arrived I was a bit nervous. I sat on my bed as I tried to unpack and stared out of the window for a while. I could see cows roaming the land and I realized I was out of my element. I wondered how I had gotten to this place and questioned why I came here.

Today, the uneasiness is almost completely gone and I am looking forward to my summer here. I think I will learn a lot this summer. Not just about my own calling but about life in general. I realized that I needed to go somewhere far away in order to grow more. My prayer is that God uses me to teach the people here but also that I would learn a lot more from them. I took some pics today and you can see them here

Not sure how to tell this next story but I will try. Tonight I left my friends house after watching the Blackhawks win game 2, woooooooo, and I was driving another friend home. I'm cruising down the street and another car is coming towards me. I hear a cracking noise and then SPLAT!!!! Some kind of substance was all over my face and inside the car. I had no clue what this substance was and I was fearing the worst. I actually thought the car that passed me threw a shake out of his window. I pulled over and looked in the mirror, the left side of my face was covered with lotion. I looked behind me in the street and saw a smashed plastic bottle. Upon further investigation the lotion was all over the driver door as well as on the roof inside the car. My friend only managed to get a dab of lotion on his forehead. We laughed for most of the ride to his house. I can't believe how perfect the timing had to be for that to actually happen the way it did. Crazy!!!!

Now there are a number of reasons why I was not entirely happy with the series finale of Lost. Some have to do with the show itself, however, another reason has to do with me. I've noticed that since January I have not been happy with most things. I do not receive the same levels of joy from the things I love that I once did. This would include Lost, the Cubs, sports in general, video games, movies, tv shows and a bunch of other things. My first reaction to most things seems to be a negative, cynical or pessimistic reaction. I've allowed myself to focus way too much on what I don't have. I have become blind to the ways that I am blessed in life. If friends are happy, I can't be happy for them. Even as the Blackhawks are in the Stanley Cup Finals, I'm not as excited as I would have been maybe two years ago. I'm not completely sure how an attitude adjustment will come about, hopefully this summer internship will help in some ways.

I took my first classis exams ever today. For those that don't know, classis is a local governing body of the Reformed Church in America. We take these exams as a system of checks and balances. I'm not completely satisfied with the process and just three weeks ago I wasn't even sure I would take the exams. The process wasn't actually as bad as I thought it would be. The exams went by fast and I passed them all. I actually knew more about things than I thought I did.

I now truly get a break for a week before I leave for Theresa, NY. I will head out on June 2nd. I'm looking forward to it but also a little bit nervous.

Last Friday I got to attend Game 3 of the Blackhawks-Sharks series. It was one of the coolest events I have ever been to and the loudest event I've ever been to. The game went into OT because of crappy reffing but the Hawks pulled it out, winning 3-2.

"Get caught in the race
Of this crazy life
Trying to be everything can make you lose your mind" -- American Honey by Lady Antebellum

"You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am" -- The House that Built Me by Miranda Lambert

These lyrics have been speaking to me for over a month now. I keep thinking that this should all get easier as I get older but it doesn't. I'm not as lost as I once was. I have a direction and am moving in that direction. Pastor C reminded me that it's his belief that God is not as interested in the goal as he is in the journey. If I remember correctly, he said the journey is the goal. I keep thinking about where I will be in a year. What will my internship this summer show me? Will I still want to be a pastor within the RCA?

To be honest, I could care less at this moment about going back to Western in the fall. One of the few things that is keeping me is the fact that I only have one year left. At the very least at the end of all this I will have another piece of expensive paper.

First Gain

I started Weight Watchers in early March. Every week since then I have lost at least a pound. Some weeks oI lost 5 or 6 lbs. I weighed myself this morning and this is the first week that I have gained weight. I only gained 0.2lbs so it's not all that bad. I knew I wouldn't lose weight and I am glad the damage is low. Being back home has made it difficult for me. I've been going out to eat a lot and haven't been walking as much. Hopefully this week I can get back on track.

Summer 2010

The spring semester is over and I finally get to rest for a bit. I have classis exams on May 25th, which I should be studying for right now, but I figured I'd do this instead. I leave for Theresa, NY on June 2nd and will be there through mid-August. I hope to keep my blog updated on a weekly basis. If you want to know where Theresa is, it is here...

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=Theresa,+NY&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=36.452734,73.037109&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=Theresa,+Jefferson,+New+York&ll=44.216186,-75.802424&spn=1.031509,2.28241&t=h&z=9

As I held the cup of blessing in my hand yesterday, I was reminded of how much of a blessing it was. To be a mediator in one sense between God and his people. I said the words, "Christ's blood shed for you" to every person who came forward. I was struck with awe as I looked at everyone's face. All of us coming forward, thankful for the sacrifice that was made on the cross. Every month we celebrate this event and it doesn't get old for me.

I joined Weight Watchers last Thursday. I've spent the past five days getting a feel for how to count points and watch what I eat. I had a Mardi Gras day on Friday, it was a good thing to do. The biggest thing for me is watching my portions. I'm used to eating a lot at every meal. My stomach is trying to get used to the new diet as well. I think another challenge will be fighting my cravings. I've done really well at not eating fast food as much over the past month. In fact, I haven't had any fast food since last Sunday. I just hope that I can lose some weight and just live a healthier lifestyle.

I get to register tomorrow for my final year of classes here at the seminary. I can't believe how close it actually is. I'm only about six weeks away from ending my second year. Time really has flown by...crazy.

2010 came in with a wimper. There wasn't a huge cheer for the new year that was upon us. It may have been that the radio station we were listening to had the worst countdown in the history of countdowns. But i think it was just that no one really cared that it was a new year. I've never really understood the big deal about the whole thing. If anything, it was a pain because once I went back to go school I needed to write a new date on my assignments. Also, 2009 wasn't all that bad. I had some good times as always. I am glad that it is 2010 though, in some ways. I will be heading out for a summer internship in June(hopefully in Theresa, NY). I also will be turning 3o this year. I don't dread it like I once did but I'm not all that happy about it either.

I start this year in a new apartment. I moved in Monday and it is actually starting to look like someone lives here. I'll have to wait for some money to come in before I go all out on this place. I've already decided I will have a dart board in the basement. Other ideas include a pool table instead of a kitchen table(just throw a piece of plywood on top when I want to eat). the new Sidney Crosby commercial makes me want to have some type of hockey goal in the basement as well. Sleeping still sucks for the most part. My body has never liked the adjustment time between homes. It's also just weird that I'm living alone. For 29 plus years I've lived with other people, that's quite a streak. I know that the time by myself will be good and about mid-semester I will be so very thankful to be by myself. For now it's still a bit uncomfortable.

I leave for El Paso, TX on Monday. This is the intercultural immersion trip for school. Last year, the trips were to Oman, India and Chiapas, Mexico. Due to our slumping economy, our trips are a little closer to home. We are also going to Juarez. Yes, the Juarez that you've seen a lot on TV about. I'm not all that thrilled about possibly getting shot but it is what it is. The group of people I'm with should be a good one to be with for almost a week and a half. Hopefully I won't shoot anyone.