Stress is a mofo

The past few weeks have been filled with all types of stress. Papers and tests filled last week especially. Some the busyness was due to procrastination of course but that's just how it is. It's looking like the workload will ease up after this week. I am just ready to be out of here.

Another form of stress comes by way of job searching. I sent out my profile over a month ago and I have not heard much from any of those churches. Granted this is just the beginning of the job search and I shouldn't put too much emphasis on this first batch of churches. However, not even getting a first interview makes me feel pretty crappy. Not knowing what will happen after June can be somewhat depressing. All of my life up to this point I knew what the next step was. Sometimes I took a long time to get to that next step but at least it was there. Now I look in the future and I see nothing but fog. I have set aside next Sunday as a job search day. Let's hope it goes well.

All this to say that the weight loss has not gone well over the past couple weeks. I weighed myself this morning and I was at 326.2. I know why and feel a little bit of motivation to lose it but on the whole I could care less. I just want to say "fuck it" right now. Eating what I want seems to be one of the few things that bring me joy right now. I went for a walk this evening, it was nice and somewhat relaxing. I thought the whole time about the future and where I am headed. I have no real answers and for the first time in life I am not okay with it. But I don't have the time to worry about it because I have wonderful assignments to complete for classes I don't give a shit about.

Not so good

The second week on the road to 300 was not a good one for me. With the return of winter weather, I did not get out to walk at all last week. I was also overwhelmed with class and other things so I didn't eat as well as I could have. The weekend was especially filled with junk food. I weighed in yesterday at 322.4 lbs, a gain of 2.8 lbs.

I think I am self-medicating with food. As the pressure of school and finding a job intensifies, I find myself turning to food and other things for comfort.

Overall, I am just in a blah mood. I am trying to stay motivated in school but as time goes on it is becoming more difficult. I am reading for class minimally, doing assignments just to get by, and generally am distancing myself from the seminary community. I just want to be done.

On top of this is the stress of finding a pastoral position. I have sent my profile out to a few churches and now it's a waiting game. I continue to look for other positions. At some point I will just have to find a "job" while I wait for a call. I am wishing that I can get on the summer work crew at the seminary but that may not happen.

I want to do more walking this week and maybe the weather will cooperate. I want to eat better because I know I will be in Chicago next weekend with all my favorite foods.

Week One

The first week on the road to 300 was a good one, I think. It was a beautiful week here in Holland. I did some walking multiple days during the week which made me feel great. It was wonderful to get back out there and feel the sun on my face and listen to some good jams.

I tried out some new weight watchers recipes as well. My first dish was a Tuscan Sausage and Bean soup that I cooked in my crock pot. The soup consisted of turkey kielbasa, kidney beans, northern beans, celery, carrots, onions, kale, garlic, diced tomatoes, basil, and chicken broth. The soup turned out great and I had leftovers for a couple days. Kale was something I never cooked with before so that was a new experience. I enjoyed the taste of the kale but I don't think I like the smell all that much.

My second recipe was one for a basic chicken salad. I was also pleased with this recipe and will certainly make it again. I had chicken salad sandwich for lunch three days out of the week. I will be sure to cut the veggies smaller the next time I make it.

While I was good during the week, I splurged over the weekend. On Friday I had a few beers, Saturday I had my first pop of the week and today I got a pizza from Papa Johns and some fries from McDonalds. I decided since I was a good boy most of the week, I could treat myself.

I weighed in this morning at 319.6 lbs. Last Sunday I was at 323.2 lbs, so I lost 3.6 lbs over the week. Overall, I feel good about myself and hopefully the losses will continue.

I don't know if I will be able to walk as much this week as I did last week but I will have shoveling to do. I still do not have any pop in the house and a very limited supply of chocolate. I have one recipe already selected and will look for another.

Back on the horse

Last March I joined Weight Watchers because I wanted to lose quite a bit of weight. Within the first three months I lost almost 40 lbs by eating healthier and walking almost everyday. Over the summer, I lost my routine and since then I haven't lost any weight. I have hovered in between 315 -320 lbs for about 5 months now. I got back into some of my old eating habits and not engaging in much exercising. I started eating McDonalds, HoHos, Chips Ahoy, Taco Bell and other delicious but unhealthy things on a regular basis. Thank goodness that we had as much snow as we did or else I would have gained a lot more weight over the winter.

I weighed myself today and I am currently at 323.2 lbs. My first target is to get down to 300 lbs. I hope to do that by following a healthier diet and exercising more. It seems like we are starting to come out of winter so I might be able to walk more. I also purchased the Weight Watchers cookbook. I will be trying out new recipes and hopefully posting about them during the week. I am also cutting out fast food for an unknown length of time. Last year I held out for three months, hopefully I can do that again. I will also be trying to limit the number of sweets I eat. I will also try to limit the amount of pop I drink. The road to 300 begins now...

Switchfoot once sang, "we were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves?" i wonder for me if I've lost myself or if I am just now finding myself. I sat down this morning and started to answer the questions on my ministerial profile. I have also looked at and inquired about open positions and churches within my denomination. It's getting real now. In six months I could be employed full time at church. i could be a solo pastor somewhere. Am I ready for all of this? The m.o. of most of my life has been running away from responsibility. Running away when things got hard. here I am, one semester away from graduating seminary. I've stuck it out, I didn't run when it got tough. But am I ready? I have grown in so many ways over the past two years and four months. I am just beginning to find the things that I am passionate about. I haven't done anything about it though. I wanna help the poor and the oppressed. Am I out there serving at a soup kitchen or a food pantry? No. I feel a call to lead people in the church. I can hardly get myself up to go to church on Sunday. I wanna eat better, live better, serve better, do everything better. Have I made any strides in the past couple months? No. I am indeed meant to live for so much more. I am finding myself but at the same time I am losing myself. I don't know what to do sometimes. I feel like I am constantly at war with my own mind. What part of me needs to die in order for me to truly live?

Oh Canada

Last Thursday morning at 7:30am I entered the land to the north of us. I wanted to save a couple hours on my trip to Detroit so I thought drive through would be good. I was wrong. The trip was running smoothly until I got about 5 miles from the border back into the States. At that point traffic came to a complete stop. It took me two hours to move two miles. It was frustrating but I did some people watching to help pass the time. I was intrigued at how other people dealt with the frustration of sitting in traffic. One guy got out every ten minutes to smoke, another guy would get out every time we stopped to do some serious stretching and one couple decided to make out a little bit. I finally got to the entrance lane after about 3.5 hours and the guy let me go through. As soon as I started moving another customs officer stood in front of the car and asked me to pull over towards another place where another officer was standing. I had been randomly selected for an xray of my car. They selected five more cars and we were all in a row. We exited our vehicles and then a van circled our vehicles. After about twenty minutes we were all allowed to leave. So, I left Theresa at 6:45am and didn't arrive to my destination until 7:30pm. What a day.

However, after that adventure, the weekend was a blast. The wedding ceremony was beautiful, the church was beautiful, the bride and bridesmaids were beautiful and the groom and groomsmen were pimpalicious of course. I met a lot of cool people, even though they were Red Wings fans. I danced pretty much the whole time music was playing at the reception. There were a few songs I boycotted because I hate them that much. One was the cupid shuffle, that song sucks beyond belief. At one point during the reception, the groom and I busted out our Blackhawks jerseys. We got a lot of boos and thumbs down. We had to do it though, this might be the only time we can gloat. I wish that night would have never ended. It was so great to just share that moment with old and new friends and family.

I have another wedding in Chicago in a week and a half and I will be taking the train for that one.

Mo Money Mo Problems

I bought the new Eminem album, Recovery, and I love it. It was totally the opposite of what I expected. Sick beats, sick flows and it has a lot of heart. Eminem is pretty vulnerable throughout the whole album. There are also some songs that would seem to not be Em's style but he pulls it off. He even samples "What is Love" by Haddaway in a song he does with Lil Wayne. I recommend it for anyone who loves Em or loves hip hop.

As I was listening to it, a thought returned to me that has been there for a while. Most Christians will claim that money isn't everything which is good because of course Jesus tells us we can't serve God and money. So, money is secondary to most of us, except if you believe in that prosperity gospel stuff. However, whenever a celebrity has personal problems, I've heard many Christians say "I don't feel bad for them, they have a lot of money". Or pro athletes can't have personal troubles because they get paid millions to play whatever sport they play. If money isn't the solution to everything, why do we think it will solve a celebrities problems? Doesn't matter how much money you make or how famous you are, you can still get hurt. Divorces still bring pain. Death still stings. Relationships are still just as hard. Sure, they may not have to worry about other things that the working class do but that doesn't mean they still don't deal with pain.