The darkness overtook me so much today that I didn't even want to praise God. I sat in chapel grumpy, crabby, lonely and pissed off. I barely passed the peace because I didn't want anything to do with it. I didn't want to hear that God was good and that God is faithful. I wanted to go on believing that God didn't give two craps about me. I wanted to know why I have to feel this loneliness? Why don't I have that special someone yet? Why must I always be the friend, the big brother, the confidant, the listener, the comforter, the soundboard, the fool? From the time last semester ended till this day the darkness has enveloped me more and more. There were tiny breaks here and there but nothing significant. So, where does that leave me? I'm still here, I still feel like there is a reason I should be here. I know I'm here to grow but wishing it wasn't so painful. I knew I had a loving community here in Holland when I was back in Chicago. However, when I got here, I didn't feel the love. It's not as if people haven't loved me, maybe I haven't allowed people to love me. I think I'll be okay though, I still have that awesome optimism to lean on.